Ana's 10th Anniversary

Today is the 10th Anniversary of the day Anastasia became my daughter.

I can still remember the day as if it was yesterday.  The feeling of excitement, and nervousness, and desperation, just to finally meet my daughter and hold her in my arms.  To take her home and just be mine!

The day dragged,  we were dressed up and ready hours ahead of time.  All I could do was pace.  This maternal longing and impatience just to finally meet her.  We couldn't get there fast enough.  I just so desperately needed to end this emotional aching and hold her in my arms.   The social worker was late.  Caught in traffic.  We sat with our social worker and my child's biological mother for what seemed like hours.  There were so many questions I could have asked.  I didn't.  I couldn't think of anything other than meeting my child.....and how I needed to remember to be sensitive to this woman who was giving her to me.  The fear:  what if she sees my child and changes her mind and wants to keep her.  All these things going through my mind, as I'm waiting,  so desperate for her to arrive.  Just so i can hold her in my arms and know that she is mine.  Forcing myself to sit in my chair and try and make small talk with someone who holds the fate of my whole family in her hands.

And then, finally, she arrived.  wrapped up tightly in a blanket in the social workers arms.  Don't jump up, don't rush, don't be insensitive. Just wait your turn.  The woman who gave my child life, gets up and takes my child in her arms.  The fear.  Please don't change your mind.  She is mine.  The girls, desperate to meet their sister, and too young to think of all the things I have been, go up to her and ask the lady if they can hold her.  I want to be first.  But I painfully force myself to sit. And wait.  And then she takes my child from the girls and says its your moms turn.

I get up, the aching in my heart so overwhelming from the desperation and anticipation just to see the face of my child, to take her and hold her and feel that this is right.  This is the child that was birthed for me.  Wondering how long the bonding process will take when I see her.  Some people say weeks, others months.  And as she is handed to me and I look at her face, and draw her close to my chest, it's instant.  Every feeling, thought and fear dissipates in that second, and relief floods through me and I'm filled with this overwhelming love and certainty that this child is mine.  This is the child I've dreamed of since I was young.  This is the child that has been growing in my heart all these months.  And here she is. In my arms.  Seeping into every fiber of my soul.  Her heart bonding with mine instantly.  And as I look up at the woman who birthed her she says:  now she is yours.

You hear so many of the negative aspects of adoption.  I can honestly tell you, in ten years, I have had none.  I sometimes worry that Ana doesn't ask enough questions.  I would worry that maybe she doesn't feel safe enough to ask, or that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.  So every now and then I sit with her, just on her own and I ask her questions.  Does she think about it?  How does she feel?  Just trying to dig a little into her heart and see what is there with regards to her adoption.  I always marvel at her deep wisdom and insight after these conversations.  There is no bitterness, no feelings of rejection.  Im so thankful for this.

Some of the things we've spoken about:

I showed Ana the pictures from the day we fetched her:

Me:  how do you feel about seeing those pictures and when you think about the fact that you are adopted?
Ana:  Happy.
Me:  why happy?
Ana:  because I'm so glad you're my family.

Me:  Do you ever think about the lady who gave birth to you?
Ana:  Sometimes
Me:  What do you think about?
Ana:  I wonder if she has a job and house to stay in and that she's safe.

Me:  Do you ever wonder about the man who would have been your dad?
Ana:  I do wonder what he does for a living and things like that.
Me:  Well we don't actually know much about him at all, so I can't really tell you anything.
Ana:  So........its a mystery.  You know mom, in my head i think of it like I have boxes.  And I put things in different boxes.  I've got a mystery box where I put things that I don't know or that I don't have answers to, so I'm just going to put all the things I wonder about him in the mystery box.
Me:  And you're ok with that?
Ana:  well......there's just no answers for them.

Me:  Do you ever wonder if you have brothers or sisters.
Ana:  one of my friends at school actually asked me if I have a sister from before.
Me:  So what did you tell her?
Ana:  I said I didn't know
Me:  Do you ever wonder about that?
Ana:  I do sometimes.
Me:  Would you like me to tell you if you have a sister or brother?
Ana:  (quiet for a while)  No, I don't actually want to know.

Me:  When you are mad at me, do you sometimes wish that you hadn't been adopted and wish you were with another family or with the lady who gave birth to you?
Ana:  No, when I'm angry I think about that picture you showed me when you fetched me of Kayla and Cassie holding me and I remember the look on their faces and they are smiling at me and I start feeling happy again.

Ana:  Mommy sometimes I get scared.  What happens if you die and daddy dies and the girls die.  I will be the only one  left in the family, and I will have noone.  And I love my family so much, I don't ever want to loose them.

Ana to Rhys on his 40th birthday:  I love you Dad.  You are the best dad in the world.  You are my only dad.

Ana to the girls in an argument:  I wish mom and dad had never adopted the two of you!

Me:  Does it bother you when your friends have asked you about 'your other family"
Ana:  No?
Me:  But doesn't it make you wonder about them and what it would be like?
Ana:  Not really.  If they ask me things and I know the answer I tell them, if I don't I just say I don't know.  Because I don't.

On her birthday this year, at the end of the day, she had a bit of a melt down.  She was struggling with the fact that she felt both happy and sad about her adoption and the reasons why she felt both.  During the conversation, in tears, she said to me:
I know God planned my whole life before I was put in her tummy and he knew that I was going to be adopted.  So I know that this is the right thing.  It was what he planned for my life.
Me:  who explained that to you Ana?
Ana:  No one did, its just something I've always known inside.

This is my child's heart.  This beautiful acceptance.  I feel the love radiating from within her when she tells me she loves me.  Or how much she loves all of us.  Its so strong its tangible.  When she writes us letters, telling us she loves us, they are so beautifully expressed, with such deep emotion, that I just know she loves us as deeply and truly as we love her.  And that she knows we were the family that she was born for.  To be loved by her and accepted as her mom by her is the most amazing feeling a mother can have.

Yes, I do know that the teenage years are still ahead, in the very near future.  Her thoughts and feelings may well change.  But regardless of anything that happens or changes, the bond we have with her, and she with us, will withstand and endure any road that needs to be traveled.  And it will all be worth it.  To have had this beautiful, deep, loving, wise, precious child as my own.

So today I celebrate our tenth anniversary of having Anastasia Atarah-Rose as my very own daughter with such a deep gratitude and thankfulness that I was the chosen mom for her.  And while I look forward to the years ahead with such an excited anticipation, I also wish that I could stop time for a moment longer so that I could just bask in the love and appreciation and gratitude that I have for my precious child.