Most people know my brothers a drug addict. Oh, who am I kidding, seriously, my brother
is a “bergie” . He’s been an addict for
about 16 years. Lived on the street
probably for the last 5 or 6 years. He
tells me that he uses drugs out of his choice, not addiction. And that he lives on the street out of my
choice, not his.
The quote above really just struck a nerve in me. Him using drugs was not my choice, yet both
me and my family have suffered for 16 years at the hand of his choice. No one can see the hurt and damage that his
choices have caused each one of us individually. Yet, he blames us. For his choices. Yet he doesn’t allow us to make different
choices for him.
He is the King of Second Chances. And third, and fourth and fifth and sixth……you
get my point. I do not know how many
times I have listened to him telling me, Please Michelle, give me another
chance, I have learned from what I’ve done.
This time I am going to rehab.
And my heart softens and hope begins to grow and every time I think,
maybe this time. He looks so sincere. And I can’t turn my back on him because what
if it really is this time, and I don’t give him the chance and then that chance
is lost forever. And……. In a few months
time again, after hundreds of rand's have been spent, time and effort in organizing
a rehab, getting him everything he needs, getting him there…….Please Michelle,
give me another chance, I have learned from what I’ve done. This time I’m going to stay in rehab………. How many times do you have to hear this,
until you start letting the words just flow over you, as you switch off and
stop listening. That song becomes so
apt: your lips are moving, your lips are
moving, your lips are moving but you lie, lie, lie……..
I feel like I have had so much criticism and judgement over
my attitude towards what he’s doing. I’ve
doubted myself, second guessed myself, so many times. And felt quite bad that people have felt like
this and haven’t understood why. Now, I
don’t care if you want to judge or criticize, because I know why. I have done, over and over and over. To try and help him. To try and help my family. To try and alleviate my guilt. Their guilt. But you know what, I never made his
choices. I never sat back and said here, try some drugs. I never condoned it. I fought it.
I tried every way I could to get him to stop. How many rehabs know his name? How many jobs has he lost? How many people have given him chance after
chance after chance. Because seriously,
he can talk the wounded my family don’t care and have kicked me out and this is
why I do what I do talk so well. You
know what, u were doing drugs long before you were no longer welcome in any of
our houses. We gave u chance after chance.
You left, and we took you back after your: This time is going to be different, I’ve
learned from my mistakes> You were welcome up until our brothers 21st
birthday, when your jealousy over the fact that he had made something of his
life and you hadn’t couldn’t be contained any longer and he ended his
celebrations in a hospital getting stitches.
Another relationship you destroyed.
There is no way you can understand what it is like to live
with an addict in your family, if you have never had to do so. You can stand on the outside and judge, give
advice, it seems so logical and simple what you should do, when you are
standing on the outside. Do you think
we leave him out on the streets out of our choice? Because we couldn’t be bothered? You can’t even begin to fathom the toll that
it takes on you and your family. To lie
awake for 16 years worrying and stressing about where he is, is he ok, does he
have somewhere to sleep, does he have food, is he safe, will he make the
night. You can’t even begin to imagine the places
I have gone into to try and find him because I have had no reports of sightings
for him for a few days. Ive walked
around the reeds in the dark for hours searching for him to find him, just to find him
quite comfortable in his little make shift shelter with no desire to leave. Seriously dodge bars and
houses. Riding around the taxi ranks late
at night, because someone thought they saw him walking past…… Forking out money
for rehabs when you seriously can’t afford it, transport to get there. I do not know how many wardrobes I have
bought, for two or three day rehab stints, until he decides this isn’t for him
and its not what he wanted and I forced him to go that’s why he left. The last time in December, I asked him over
and over and over again, are you sure you are going to this rehab out of your
own choice, because you want to, I asked
in every possible way I could. Yes, he
said, this is what he wants, he said, he’s going of his own free will, he said……….
He didn’t make it to 2 weeks. Because…..that's
not what he wanted. It wasn’t his
choice. He’s so well known on among st
the criminals and authorities. And I
have the privilege of being known as his sister, due to the amount of times I’ve
gone into his criminal society to look for him and into the police station to
plead with him, and with the neighborhood watches as they've helped me look for him. He thinks I’m ashamed of him and that’s why
I want him off the street. I feel no
shame for his choices. I feel
desperation, because he is making choices that are hurting himself and our
family and there is NOTHING I can do about it.
I feel desperation, because I know that one day one of those midnight
messages I get, is not going to be telling me they’ve arrested him. Its going to be telling me he has been found
dead. And then I have the ‘privilege’
of having to go and tell my family and my parents, who still believe that this
phase will pass and he will integrate back into normal society after 16 years,
that their child actually never integrated back into society he has integrated
into some after life that I don’t even want to think about!
I do not know how many times I have asked him to tell me
what he wants me to do for him, because he keeps throwing back at me that everything
I’ve done for him was what I wanted for him, not what he wanted for himself. I have, seriously, run around trying to organize the things that he wants so that he can choose to come off drugs and stop
living on the street. And when I hear: Please Michelle, give me another chance…..
and in frustration I shout at him that I’ve done everything he wanted me to do,
so that he could make different choices, I’ve done everything I can think of to
try and give him a chance……..nothing has worked.
There is nothing left for me to do! Now you need to do something! You need to make the choice and go and find a
rehab and a place to stay on your own.
Stop coming to me and asking for help but then everything I do fails
because it actually wasn’t your choice it was mine.
I have an amazing network with people I never thought I would
depend so greatly on. I pretty much
know where my brother is and what he’s doing most of the time. when I haven’t had any reports on him for a
while, I just have to ask and someone
will have given me a report back before the day is out. It’s the times when no one has seen him for
days that the fear sets in. Or when he
is in pollsmor and I lay awake worrying and not knowing what is happening to
him. Or in winter when its so cold and
raining outside and I worry how he is keeping warm. I worry constantly that he might not live to
see another day, what it will do to my
mom and dad.
But see, this is HIS choice.
Its not like he hasn’t had any other options available to him. He has turned them down and rejected
him. He has made it impossible by his
choices and his actions to live with any one of us. Doesn’t mean we don’t worry about him, don’t
hurt about his choices, or even that we don’t help him. We have.
Over and over and over again.
And because we have done that, we just don’t believe him anymore. Its not that we have given up, its just that
now if he wants to go to rehab, he needs to go and find one himself and get
there himself.
I don’t really know
if there is a way that you can make someone who hasn’t lived through this understand. Ive heard so many times : how can u give up on him like that, how can
you let him live like that, why won’t you give him another chance. So here’s the bottom line: I have not given up on him. I do not choose to let him live that
way. I have given him many many chances
over the past 16 years. He has abused
and lied each and every time I have given him a chance, and yet ive still
given him the benefit of the doubt. And
given him another chance. I don’t
believe that chances are limited, but he now sadly has to work for his next
chance. By being proactive and doing
something for himself.
So these are the facts:
My brother is an addict
A criminal (seriously he’s been arrested too many times not
to be)
He lives on the beach (best place to be in summer, kukkest
place in winter, but at least he gets to stay clean in the rain)
I love my brother with all my heart and hate him for all the
hurt he’s caused us all at the same time
I have not turned my back on him, I am waiting for him to go
and find the help he needs because the help ive offered over the last 16 years
in his words ‘is not what he’s looking for” and he can’t tell me what he’s
looking for exactly anyway.
Because he is unpredictable and aggressive I cannot have him socializing with
my girls. And that hurts them too
because they miss him. And he cannot
stay with my parents for those same reasons either.
I hope with all my heart that he is able turn his life
around, but I don’t believe he
will.
I have mourned his death a thousand times over, over the
years. I don’t know if I will ever be
able to reconcile my heart when the final one comes. Because as much as I want him to change his
life style, its not my choice. It’s
his. And even when I have asked him to
choose between me and his life style, even though I know he loves me, he has
always chosen the latter.
I do not expect you to understand how I feel, if you have
never lived through it. I do expect you to
understand though, that this is his
choice, not mine.
The only thing I cannot understand is how anyone can stand in judgement of you. Seriously Michelle. Block your ears to their comments!
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