Remembering

Remembering

As I go through today, I'm remembering all the little details of that day

That day ur life was taken away

The pain and sorrow and total remorse

Of all the things I might have done to change the course

Of the direction your life took.

But then I remember the reality of which I mistook

That I could control your destiny as if writing a book

You were not mine to shape and to mould

You were only mine for a short time to hold.

From the first time I held you in my arms

Till the time I released you into His arms

There was a love and a bond that was real

Which leaves me with the loss I feel.

So much has changed

Even the raw pain

But the memories will always stay the same.

The love and the loss is still incredibly real

But the pain of loosing you is no longer all I feel

Life does move on but the memories remain

And I live with the hope that we will meet again.  

Happy Birthday to my God daughter

Happy Birthday 

to my 

beautiful God daughter

Happy Birthday Precious Girl!!!!

I can't believe that you are 18 today!!!!!!!!!!!  

I've been sitting here remembering back over all the years I've known you.  I know this makes you nervous.  But the memories have made me smile and laugh.

I think I met you when you were about 3 or 4?  Cute and sassy and as outspoken then as you are now.  You always knew how to bring up the most inappropriate things at the most oppertune moments.  One memory that comes to mind was when you were probably about 6, and you were listening to a conversation between your mom and I.  Out of the blue, you asked me if I was pregnant.  And then whether I knew what sex was.  And before I could finish choking on my tea and answer you, you proceeded to tell me, in great detail, what it was.   Your mom sat there with that look on her face that tells you she is ready to burst out laughing, loving watching you squirm, is not going to save you from the coversation and won't laugh so it doesnt ruin the moment and you're let off the hook.  I on the other hand was giving her the look that said this is inappropriate, I don't know what to say, help! step in and get me out of it!!!!!  She didn't.  And I recieved my sex education from you.  Pretty graphic to say the least.  Lol, not much has changed.  Last year when you came to visit you brought along your book to educate me in different sexual positions.  Your mom once again got that look on her face, and while I would have thought that I had matured at least a bit since then, was left giving her that same look I gave her all those years ago.

I was remembering how possessive you were with your barbies.  OMGOSH!  The temper tantrums that would proceed at the suggestion that you let someone play with them.  I was going to say that that stage had passed but on thinking about it some more, I kind of figured if anyone tried to play with your barbies today, they would be met with the same reaction.  

I remember the "abuse" you endured by your mothers own hand one day when she tried to prick a boil you had.......wont go into where it was....... omword, you nearly screamed the house down.  And then some.  The kicking and screaming and biting.  But you've got to give your mom credit for determination, she did what she set out to do.

I remember all the girls birthday parties that you would come to.  Every birthday there was a beautifully hand made card and often a hand made gift.  They were so special and you put so much effort into them.  

I remember the laughing and waterfights that we would have ganging up against you dad in the kitchen.  Which somehow invariably turned into it being turned on to me.  Jugs and buckets of water literally flooding out the kitchen.  

I remember the love that you had for each of the babies that lived with you.  You were such a little mommy.  And how often your heart would break when you had bonded with one and they had to leave.

I remember your first bedroom that you didn't have to share with your brother.  And how proud you were of it.  

I remember how much you would hurt when there were arguments with your friends in the neighbourhood and the tears, it would break my heart to see.  And I remember when you were so mad at someone you concocted this plan to have them over to come and shower???????? lol!  And get them to wash their hair with some shampoo that you had poured hair remover into.

And suddenly you were old enough to babysit for the girls.  They so loved having you there with them.  And you were so good at it.  No fussing or performing ever happened when you were coming over to look after them.  

I have so many more special memories of you, that I could fill pages with.  But I think that what Im really trying to say to you through those memories is how they all come together to make up the person that is so uniquely you.

You are passionate, and emotional and dramatic, and dedicated and quirky and fun.  You are such a strong person, but have the softest heart.  You lash out in anger, to hide your hurt, and you love and care with an intensity that will always make you vulnerable to being hurt. 

For years you have spent ages drawing and designing all sorts of dreams for what you wanted for your 18th birthday.  I hope that at least some of those dreams will come true today.  I wish I was there to spend the day with you.  To enjoy and celebrate this milestone with you.   Know that in my heart, I'm right there with you.  Celebrating the beautiful woman that you have become.  

I love you lots Ty.  Happy Birthday.

Facebook Etiquette

The past few days I have really been thinking about facebook etiquette.  Are there actual rules and standards that one has to adhear to?  If not, there really should be.  Or maybe the creators of facebook just presumed that people would adhere to a normal civilised code of conduct?  

I must say that I do often raise my eyebrows when I see people slating other people on their profile status.  It's a bit off, I mean do you really want your dirty laundry aired for all your "friends" on facebook to see?  Maybe it's me, but that would just make me a bit awkward.  But I respect the fact that people reserve the right to have their say on their own walls.  If I don't like it, I don't have to read it.  

I do think though, that people need to be more respectful of other peoples feelings and beliefs.  If you're like me, you probably have friends on facebook who have different belief systems.  I am a christian.  I post things on my wall that are meaningful to me within my faith. Among other things.....  But I would like to think that I have enough respect for my friends who are not, not to post things that diss or belittle their beliefs.  Please have enough respect for me and do the same.  I'm not going to post things that belittle your feelings on being a vegan etc please be respectful enough not to belittle me as barbaric because I eat meat.  That's my choice and perogative and certainly doesn't affect my salvation.  The same as your choices are yours.  And I respect that.  And if I post things that offends you and your beliefs be adult enough to message me and tell me.  If I think you have a valid point I will most certainly review the post.  But don't go and put it up on your status and slate me there.  Then why are we even friends? 

I know that most of us have had a good vent on facebook about something that has happened.  And afterwards it just feels good knowing that you've put it out there.  I don't neccessarily have an issue with that.  It's the naming and shaming thing that just gets to me.  Why use facebook to slate someone publically in a way that you would never do if the person is standing in front of you.  I think that's a bit cowardly.

What I do have an issue with though, are people who slate other peoples children on their facebook profiles.  Children who are too young to even be able to use facebook.  I find that offensive.   It's not acceptable no matter how angry or offended or annoyed you are.  Take your issue up with their parents. On an inbox message.  Not on your status.  And if anyone of my facebook friends do post a status like that, regardless of whether they are about my children or someone elses, I will condemn you for it, and tell you how unacceptable that type of behaviour is.  And if you don't like that, you know where the delete button is, and I would enthusiastically encourage you to press it.  

Facebook is about building relationships, and making the ones that you have far easier to access.  Being able to share in one anothers lives without actually being there. Not a public forum  for breaking people down and hurting them. 

I really think that just because we are not face to face with a person we still need to show the same consideration we would show the person if we were.  We need to remember our manners and social ettiquettes that we have been brought up with and not let that all fly out the window the moment we get on to social media.  Just because the person is not standing in front of you doesn't mean that words and prejudices suddenly don't hurt a person.  I actually think that it hurts that much more because it's been done in public.  And it's far more likely to break down that relationship than if you had to deal with the person directly and be able to sort it out face to face.

But then again, that's just my feelings on the matter,  I respect your choice to disagree. 

Special Moments

Last night Anastasia asked if she could have a look at her photo's that were taken on the day that we went to fetch her.  She said she wanted to see the pictures of the lady whose tummy she came out of.  We went through all the photo's together.  Ive always told her how excited we were on that day, and she loves hearing that part of the story.  So while we looked through the photo's I asked her to look at our faces and tell me what she thought we were feeling.  In each of the pictures she could see how happy and excited we were to meet her and hold her for the first time.  I love that I have them to show her, so that she can see for herself how exciting that day was for all of us.

When we had finished looking through the photos, THREE times, I asked her how it made her feel to see pictures of her birth mother.  She said "happy".  

I asked her why it made her feel happy and she responded: 

 "Because I'm so happy she gave me to you".